Regardless of how we look on the outside and what we portray physically, we all possess Masculine and Feminine characteristics. These characteristics are not unique to our genders, you may find yourself appearing only in the masculine even if you are female. We see these traits in a variety of situations and from a variety of people, and the strength of both genders helps us navigate life successfully. There are strengths and weaknesses in both masculine and feminine personalities, and in order to understand ourselves better as well as navigate relationships more effectively, it is important to understand how and when the positive and negative characteristics are prevalent and what we can do to balance them.
As Ultra Independents, we have relied on the masculine strength for survival, and have shunned the feminine as weak and unnecessary.
We define masculinity as the ‘do’ energy within us, the strengths that motivate us to get up and go. Traditionally, the masculine went out hunting to bring food to the villages of our ancestors. These men would protect and provide safety and courage to themselves and those around them.
Feminine energy is to ‘be’, the nurturing force inside of us, the source of our compassion and empathy. In our ancestors' villages, the feminine was responsible for ensuring that everyone was cared for, and that the community was a balanced and peaceful place.
As you can see, we need both the masculine and the feminine strengths to survive, and we see them at work in our friends, families, lovers and colleagues.
We Ultra Independents have spent the majority of our lives sitting in the masculine, as the masculine represents safety, protection and courage, and due to trauma, we have had to reach out to our masculine for survival. We have relied on the masculine within us to protect us, to spur us forward and to enable us to accomplish the task at hand. However, we have switched off our feminine in the process of surviving, which means we have lost touch with the gentler side of our nature. Many times we may find that we do not like feminine characteristics; we view them as weak and in other cases we may think we are being feminine but we are actually still in our masculine mode.
According to society, Men are in control of their emotions. They can have sex without attachment, they are the pursuers. I have watched movies and television shows in which the men save women from predators or a life on the streets. Men conquer battles and still came home ready to conquer in the bedroom. In contrast, the successful women are bitches, aggressive, cut throat and manipulative. This is what was portrayed to me.
When I was in my corporate career, my first, and only female mentor was a woman who was very mean. In the male-dominated corporation, I saw that she would raise her voice and escalate her aggression, and they would all listen because she was behaving just as they did. It is clear to me now that she had no other option in order to survive in the boardroom. I followed her and mimicked her behavior. I was excited when I saw the fear on the faces of the people I spoke to, believing the fear to be respect, which it was not. In my moments of weakness, I would sometimes cry alone in the toilet cubicle, ensuring no one could hear me. It was not acceptable for me to be emotional.
The same was my approach to dating. My dating pattern was modeled after what a masculine version of myself would prefer, the vulnerable, the emotionally fragile, the man who needed saving. They were always so impressed by my masculine strength that they would stand in awe as I used to run around fixing their lives like a knight in shining armor. I thought this was my feminine side and my softness, but it was none of those things. It was my masculine strutting my power and demonstrating how I can save. I mistakenly interpreted their awe for love. It never ended well. After a while, I became tired of fixing and craved a man who would look after me, but I had no idea how to allow someone in their positive masculinity into my life. Until that moment, I had not known such men. My examples of men were toxic masculinity in the work place and the romantic interlude with men who were too afraid to stand in their positive masculinity. I was frightened to see a man fully in his masculine strengths as that was the only role I knew how to play. As a result, I began to question why love never worked out for me and why such incredibly damaged and weak men kept coming into my life. However, this was what I had learned to attract. Many times I walked into rooms where there were fabulous men present, but I was attracted to the weak male and did not even realize the presence of powerful strong men in the room. I believed it was the fault of the men and refused to take any responsibility for it. I believed that these men simply found me, but after learning more about the pattern, I realized that I chose them. I had pursued them in order to fix them and allow myself to feel wanted, needed, and loved. There was always a common denominator: myself. It was time to change this pattern.
Self-esteem played a significant role in this. Since I believed that if I was not saving and fixing, then what was I offering? If I do not give something back to the person in front of me, why on earth would they desire to remain in my presence? You can give in many ways, including giving love, attention, fixing, nurturing, or offering our bodies for sexual pleasure.
Now, let us examine some of the feminine characteristics. Being feminine allows us to be supportive without being demanding, and to be able to both receive and provide without being overly generous. The ability to demonstrate compassion and to allow your creativity to flow without the need to constantly produce more in an active state. It requires a level of comfort with the unknown and trust in yourself and those around you. The feminine says I will gracefully show up in my inspiring emotional authentic form.
I know what you are thinking right now, you think 'hell no', there is not a chance I will allow myself to rely on or wait for others to provide for me. I have never benefited from compassion and I have never received help when I needed it. But did you really ask? Did you show that you were open to receiving help? Or did you simply throw it out there and expect someone to catch on and understand what you need, or were you so busy working that you did not notice the hand that was reaching out to you?
As ultra-independents, we have always been required to take action to keep ourselves and others safe and cared for. The concept of 'Being' seems far too passive and vulnerable to us, which is frightening. Imagine the possibilities of integrating this graceful feminine energy into your everyday life.
How would it look?
Masculine – Doing
Fire, propels us into action
Controlled by the sun
Feminine - Being
Water, allows us to feel
Controlled by the moon
Begin by allowing yourself to just be. Imagine yourself sitting by the river in the moonlight watching water flowing. Enjoying the soothing sounds of the river as it gently moves. Let yourself observe without trying to change anything while remaining still in the present moment. Allow the earth beneath your feet to support you and trust that it will hold you safe and nurture you. Be mindful of the incredible natural beauty all around you. Allow your heart to fill with love and acceptance. Soften gracefully into your feminine. Practice this visualization daily.
Let your first thought of the day be one of gratitude rather than the tasks you have to complete.
Be aware of the amount of time you give to listening without speaking. Hold space for someone without opposing your opinion or trying to fix the situation for them.
Accept help from someone by asking them for assistance.
Do not anticipate what is going to happen next.
Allow your intuition to guide you. How many times have you said you knew this would happen after the fact? It is our intuition that is correct 98% of the time, and the other 1% arises from a response triggered by trauma. Take time to listen to yourself.
Spend time outdoors. Create a vegetable and herb garden that you can care for, tend and watch grow.
Allow your creativity to flow through art, journaling, music, pottery, and ceramics.
Connect with women who embody feminine qualities.
Salsa dance. It’s sexy and fun.
Embrace your body and cultivate self-esteem.
Have the courage to embrace the unknown.
With love always