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  • Writer's pictureGail Weiner

Ultra Independent and the walls around them

I didn’t wake up one day and decide I wanted to be alone. That I wanted to keep people arms distance away from me, to not allow them to truly know who I am and what I am thinking. I did not wake up with the decision to ignore opportunities for romance in my life.

I did not wake up and choose to be Ultra Independent.

I had no choice in the matter, this was thrown at me. Situations, people, heartbreak, grief and toxic encounters created the wall I have built around myself and away from other people.

Ultra Independents have learned from an early age that they need to do things for themselves if they want it done at all. Times when they have allowed others to do things, it has either failed or not even been picked up by someone else. No one has rode in on a white horse to save the Ultra Independent, that fairy tale was never a considered option.

The role of the Ultra Independent has always been the one that gets things done, the person who does not complain and steers the ship to shore, no matter what the weather conditions. Everyone assumes this comes easy to an Ultra Independent, but it does not, there is just no other solution and the Ultra Independent never considers failing or falling over, because there is far too much at stake and too many things that need to be held up.

Strength is the gift of the Ultra Independent but also the curse, it is admired by others but creates an armour which no one else can penetrate.

The Ultra Independent does not want to be alone but the walls of defense and safety are so high that nothing can enter, certainly not love.

What can you do as and Ultra Independent to allow others into your life?

Trust someone, build a relationship with a friend that is secure and allow them to help you when you need it. Asking for help is one of the most difficult things for an Ultra Independent, it takes more bravery than doing it yourself and it holds the fear of rejection and mistakes, both are something which have resulted in so much turmoil in your past that it is difficult to give away that power to someone else. Be graceful about this, do it slowly, small requests.

Stop trying to fix things and people, it is not your responsibility to make others responsible, nor is it your role to fix other people’s drama.

Stop befriending those who are weaker than you, being around those that need you and cannot hurt you because you’re stronger, is an Ultra Independent defense mechanism. Be friends with your equals, those that vibrate in the same level as you. Ones who do not require support or for you to hold them up.

Give away responsibilities by saying No. Stop being the one to do it all. Its not helping you. Let go instead of holding on. Create space for yourself and for the new to flourish.

For more info on Ultra Independents and to book a one on one session you can reach out at

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