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  • Writer's pictureGail Weiner

Abandonment and the Ultra Independent

Updated: Jan 8, 2022

The Ultra Independent is afraid of love and commitment because they are terrified of being abandoned.


We grew up in homes where a parent left or were distant, cold, drunk or abusive.

Losing loved ones through death resulted in us fearing that people leave and when they leave, they take your heart with them and the pain is unbearable.

Having a relationship where your partner left, made you promise that you will never allow that intense heartbreak and pain into your life again.

But love comes, it breezes in through the front door, it quietly sits next to you, it softly smiles at you and holds your hand. The Ultra Independent will consider this as an invasion and irritation which needs to be removed immediately before someone gets hurt.

The Ultra will look for reasons why Love cannot be trusted, why this person is wrong for them. They will question why Love is even in their house, what does Love want? How long before Love leaves? In this intense fear, thoughts become irrational, moments of falling in love are replaced with terror, questioning and distrust. Defenses go up, walls are raised. Love begins to retreat, and we affirm that the danger was real ‘see they left just like everyone else’ and we are relieved to have avoided another abandonment.

The ultra has entered protection mode, Love does not live here.

Avoiding abandonment surely makes things easier, quieter, less stressful.

Just don’t invite Love in, don’t take the chance of having your heat broken and everything will be fine.

Is it?

Are you fine?

Abandonment has left us in pain and although Love cannot remove the pain, it can bring warmth into our heart, it can fill us with moments of joy, feelings of intense pleasure both physically and mentally, Love warms the soul like nothing else can.

What is the answer?

Learning to love ourselves. When we accept who we are, we vibrate in a level that attracts others towards us. Loving ourselves helps us to identify our insecurities and not use them to jeopardise relationships.

Allowing others to treat us with affection, accepting love without fear, this comes with practice, with learning not everything someone does for us holds ulterior motives, learning to trust.

Understanding that things don’t last for ever, but what counts is those occasions in between, when you share times of laughter and passion with others, those twinkles that make your heart and soul smile.

We cannot control others and therefore we cannot control whether they stay or go, what we can do is enjoy the instants that are given to us.

Embrace the opportunities of sharing with another.

Learn your boundaries and red flags which tell you this person is not here for the right reasons. This is a tough one because the Ultra Is always looking for issues to call the relationship off, know your red flags and use them as your check list, make sure your potential partner does not carry any of these. Please don’t make your red flag list one that allows no one to enter at all!

Soften, soften into the beauty of sharing and trusting another, let down the walls you have built, let the air rush through them, allow yourself to breathe with softness, let yourself feel those softer places in your heart. Practice the art of softening.

Mostly be brave, be bold and embrace your human emotions and body. We have the gift of senses and feelings, use them, feel the world around you, embrace every sense you have with love.

Fall in love,

Please do reach out if you keen to schedule a session -

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