I was 28 when I met my husband, 14 years later I reentered the dating world as an adult woman aged 42 but with the dating mindset of a young woman in her twenties.
I had no idea how to date in an adult way so I became involved with an array of unsuitable men, as I chased the thrills and excitement of my twenty year old self and not the true wants and needs of the grown ass woman I had become.
It took me many failed romances to realise that I had absolutely no idea what I needed or wanted from a man or how to go about dating them.
I was not 25 anymore which that alone frightened me, I craved the effortless attention that my 20 year old self received from guys. The ability to hardly try and still get them hot. There’s a beauty which youth bestows on all of us that sadly time removes. My young girl flirty ways took on a needy feel in the older version of me. I became desperate to get their attention because I could not understand why it was not as easy as in my youth. Please understand that I was not choosing great dating partners either because what appealed to me in my youth was a disaster to date as an adult, the party boy who drank too much, the handsome charmer who never knew how to keep his dick in his pants, the lost poet who needed a muse. These type of boys filled my youth with never ending drama and excitement, but as an adult this become a catastrophic nightmare.
A few years back I chose to remove myself from dating entirely and go back to the drawing board to learn how to date in a mature and secure way.
Firstly I needed to acknowledge my attachment style.
I am an avoidant attachment which means I do not think relationships will work out and I don’t actively go out looking for them because I think they will be a disaster anyway. When I do date I am extremely anxious constantly double checking what I said, what he said and relentlessly looking for validation that my potential partner truly wants to be with me. This is compounded by the type of men I choose, which are always avoidant themselves, this means they are keeping a relationship at arm’s length and unable to hold a secure attachment, this type of man totally validates my anxious avoidance.
Do you see the hamster wheel I have created for myself?
I have learned that in order to soften my avoidance and ease my anxious attachment, I need to date someone who has secure attachment style.
A secure partner will allow me to voice my anxiousness without judgement and will give me the affirmations I need to feel safe and wanted in the relationship. Secure partners understand boundaries and communicate their feelings. They believe in love and vulnerability and allow each other to grow together and independently. They have healthy self-esteem and control of their emotions.
Understanding secure attachment style has shown me that I have never chosen to date someone who was secure, I think the fear of letting someone secure into my life was outweighed by my constant fear of rejection and struggle with my own belief in myself.
Understanding why I choose the partners I do has been the most difficult part of my healing because it has made me go to wounds in my past which I would have rather chosen to have left buried. It was difficult for me to acknowledge that I have been the common denominator in all my relationships, I have chosen the partners and allowed myself to get lost in their drama in order to distance myself from my own pain and suppress the belief that I deserve more.
My twenty year old self did not know what she was worth, she struggled with self esteem and played in the shadows or other peoples dreams and aspirations, she was desperate to gain approval and please others but at the same time she was an incredibly talented and vibrant energy which I am grateful I can acknowledge and see now.
So how should you be dating in a mature way?
Choose to date because you have things in common and not because the person is paying you attention
Take time to get to know each other, the heated passion on a first date is just that, heated passion it will seldom turn into something more
Differentiate sex and love. Your body is sacred and so is the art of making love
Notice red flags. Understand what you will not tolerate in a relationship and stick to it
Know your self worth so that you are able to walk away if you have to
Choose a partner who is secure and can validate your feelings
Be with someone who pursues you with consistency
Allow your feminine to shine through
Be graceful and accepting of letting your partner show love and affection
Understand that drama is not love. Love is gentle and kind.
Embrace your goddess and ensure you are treated as such all the time
Know when to walk away
Love yourself
For more information on this subject and to book a one on one session you can reach out to me at info@gailweiner.com