Depression is a familiar friend, one that I dread seeing but familiar none the less, I know the place she lives, I understand her pain.
When she visits she overpowers everyone and anything near us. She is the possessive friend who demands all of my attention and certainly knows how to take it.
We sit in the darkness, depression and I.
We talk about things that went wrong, about what could have and what should have been. She calls me names and tells me that I am useless and I should be questioning everything I do. She reminds me of my darkest fears and the times I did wrong. She sits with me till I cannot breathe anymore. She pulls me close and deeper into the darkness. And in these moments I love her and ask for more.
Depression my old friend, do tell me more.
I know there is no use in asking her to leave, depression only leaves when she is ready and that can be days or weeks. It’s her schedule not mine. So I sit with her, we sip tea together, we cry, we meditate, we do yoga, I say positive affirmations while she screams at me and tells me that it doesn’t matter, none of this matters.
Depression and I were not always this friendly, I used to fight her and get angry at myself for allowing her in and the more I did this, the longer she stayed. Then I realised that she would not truly ever be gone, just like all my emotions that visit and just like the rhythm of the seasons, they come and they go. I cannot hide and I cannot magically make then disappear.
So I befriended her.
I greeted her and acknowledged her presence, I sat with her and worked through the grief, the pain and the uncertainty. I fed her healthy meals, I took her outside for walks, I let her sleep next to me. I allowed her to hold me tightly until she was ready to leave.
Depression is my friend. That doesn’t mean I want her around but I understand that she has a tendency to creep in when the frost is on the trees and the nights are long. I let her in because I acknowledge that she is not me, she Is one of my many emotions and the visit will pass. I will awaken and the sun will shine and she will have quietly slipped out the door and left it open for others to enter.
We can never really escape Depression but we can find tools to help deal with this emotion effectively.
Contact me at info@gailweiner.com