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  • Writer's pictureGail Weiner

The Anxious Avoidant

I am terrified of falling in love.

As an anxious avoidant, I avoid love because I do not believe I need anyone and I believe that relationships are hard work and that outcome is never worth it. This is the avoidant side which keeps me distant from any form of love interest, the part that holds me isolated in the belief that I am safe and protected. Then there is the anxious side which rears it’s head when I have chosen to date and embark on anything close to romance. The anxious makes me question whether the person in front of me truly wants to be here. It makes me analyse conversations for clues on whether he is indeed interested or is he saying something else entirely. It has me up at night waiting for text messages and begging for constant validation to ensure that it’s okay, that I am indeed safe and protected. And the anxiousness takes me back to avoidance and avoidance feels safer than attachment and therefore here I am. In a castle built with high walls of my own choosing with rose thorns covering the walls looking pretty but ready to pierce your skin should you ever dare to cross into my castle.

Do I want to love? Of course I do, it’s integral as human beings to love and be loved but will I allow romance into my life? Probably not

Not until I truly heal the past heartbreaks and understand not all romances result in failure When I can stand in my true self-worth and therefore choose partners who do not need to be mended and who stand in their masculine strengths Once I learn to embrace my feminine not as the mother but as the goddess who deserves to be treated as such

Some things you can do to ease Anxious Attachment:

  • Work on you self-esteem because trusting and loving yourself needs to happen before allowing anyone else into your life

  • Ensure you have healthy boundaries in place and respect the boundaries of others

  • Choose to date people who display secure attachment and won’t leave you questioning their motives

  • Stop people pleasing

  • Don’t think of romantic partners as better than you, treat them as your equal

  • Communication is key, let your romantic partner know that you need some positive reassurance. Communicate your needs up front.

  • Allow yourself and your partner to have the space to grow individually, as well as nurturing your journey together.

Some things to help the avoidant:

  • Leave your past relationships in the past and understand not everyone is the same as your previous partner

  • Ensure that you are not dating anxious or avoidant because this will just create a loop of heartbreak

  • Allow yourself to be vulnerable in a relationship

  • Communicate your need for space and boundaries

  • Ensure that you date people who have worked on themselves and display a secure attachment style

  • Do not date the unavailable

Each day I work on healing myself in order to allow romantic love to flow into my space and each day I hope I can get closer to the space when I can appear not in avoidant but rather In a secure attachment style With healthy self-esteem, respectful boundaries, trusting and in control of my emotions. Allowing me to be intimate and venerable while showing up authentically.

For deeper understanding and discussion around these and other relationships issues, you can book a one on one session with me at

Photo cred - Lora Zombie

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