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  • Writer's pictureGail Weiner

The Saviour and the Victim

Once upon a time a couple met.

Sarah has a saviour complex, she feels it is her responsibility to take part in others drama, to help make them more responsible and to fix them. That is how she acts in all of her relationships. She is always giving and caring for them.

Michael is the classic victim and has always been one. He will tell you that so much has gone wrong and he cannot find work since the recession began and he cannot pay rent since his landlord is a scumbag. Everything is bad and it is because of so many things, but not him.

In order to support Michael, Sarah explains that she understands his pain and is an empath. In addition to assisting him with rewriting his CV, she prints out numerous job advertisements so that he can read them. While giving him some cash to pay the landlord, she lets him tell her his woes while praising him and telling him he is fabulous. Sarah is happy because she is needed and this makes her feel wanted.

Michael is in awe of this incredible woman who is helping him rebuild his life. Not only is she making things better for him, but she also prepares his favorite meals. Her actions have made his sadness disappear. She is the light showing him the way, hallelujah.

They fall in love.

An ideal match between the victim and the savior.

Finally, one day Sarah decides that she has had enough of lecturing Michael regarding getting a job or working on the thesis he keeps wanting to complete. She decides that she is going to spend some time and effort on her own dreams and goals, so she joins a yoga class and enrolls in that art workshop she always wanted to do.

Michael is distraught, he's being ignored, his savior isn't showing him how to live, and now he doesn't know what to do next, and everyone's letting him down again.

Michael becomes angry with Sarah and tells her that she is neglecting him and she has changed.

The two begin to fight.

Or perhaps it is the other way around, Michael suddenly realizes that he has to put himself first and stop blaming circumstances and people for his poor decisions. He starts exercising, updates his CV, spends his spare time working on his thesis and lands a job.

Sarah is watching this and offers to assist, but Michael says, "No thanks, honey, I got this.".

Sarah loses her shit!!

Having no idea what to do, insecurity floods in.

Who is she going to be in this relationship if she can't fix?

Why doesn't he need her help anymore?

Is he not in love with her?

Is she not good enough?

They start fighting.

As you have seen, the victim and savior are perfect as long as they play their assigned roles. However, once this dynamic shifts, the relationship will inevitably cease to exist.

Are you experiencing this dynamic in your relationships?

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