The onset of Ultra Independence in certain cases can be caused by grief, the death of a loved one or the breakup of a relationship.
Grief creeps up on people in many different disguises, for some the emotion is immediate, they will bang the walls, howl at the moon and cry until they cannot breathe anymore. This can go on for days, weeks and months. This is actually a healthy way to deal with Grief, it allows us to feel the emotions and let them work through us.
Grief never leaves us, we just learn to acclimatize to the loss and we carry on.
For the Ultra independent, this experience can be the catalyst that causes their highest toughest wall to be built, they will continue, as before, holding things together, sorting out details for their next step in life on their own, holding space for others to grieve, externally they control the situation. They tell themselves to be strong, that they cannot falter or break, they must continue.
Internally the Ultra independent is falling apart. This loss affirms to them that grief can kill you, they feel the pain, the denial, the anger, and it sits within them and makes them build stronger armor. Armor that cannot be penetrated by anyone, no one will ever make them feel this way again. No one will ever cause them to feel this pain again.
The Ultra carries the pain of grief, like a battle wound, whenever someone enters their life they are reminded of this wound. Whoever is in their life, is at a distance, far enough to not touch the wound that festers around their heart. Not close enough to touch the wound with kindness and love, not close enough for the Ultra to feel anything.
Grief remains with the Ultra Independent and is a reminder that this life needs to be walked alone, that people leave, they die, and they are not there anymore. That the person you most trusted and loved can be gone within an instant, therefore rather do not allow anyone to come in that can disappear. Just rely on yourself to get you through, you know you are dependable and also you don’t want to get close to another and hurt them too. You don’t want to share the pain onto another and you don’t want to feel it at all.
Love is something you felt and it felt beautiful, but it broke you apart, it tore a hole right through your heart. And the pain is unbearable, it remains, you are reminded everyday of your grief. This does not mean you talk about it, because that would just bore people and make them think you cannot handle the life you have been dealt. You don’t talk about it, but you feel it always. Every day, every moment and with each thought, you reinforce your wall. You put concrete, barbwire and steel around your heart. It can never be penetrated.
You will walk alone and you will never feel pain again.
You are independent.
You are strong.
You are always strong.
But the grief remains.
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