The Ultra-Independent and Love
Updated: Jan 8
From an early age we are fed romantic stories of love. Damsels In Distress being saved by princes from faraway lands. A delicate woman rescued by a strong man. Even as far as an angry monster kidnaping a girl, only to learn to live with his anger and fall in love.
As you can hear I don’t buy any of this shit, but then I am ultra-independent so I don’t buy much of any of the love stories.
Friends tell me of their new lover and I am already digging to find out if he had a drinking problem, maybe abusive, married, serial dater, womaniser, uncommitted, borderline narcissistic or just crazy.
You see where my mind goes?
Just like every little girl, I grew up believing in love. Not to the extent of some of my friends, I knew from early that no man was going to save me. If anything, I was going to need to save him because I understood my feminine strength.
There lies the problem.
The patriarch society was not ready to allow woman to have strength, it was not ladylike. My role in society was to nurture and be submissive.
I believed so strongly in love that I chose to chase my equal, to find a love that was pure and unconditional. Where we pushed each other to achieve our dreams and lived a life of happiness and growth. With each man I dated, with each heart break, I realised this was harder to find than the prince who would whisk me away into the night.
I fell in love once, I fell so hard that the fall felt like death. He was someone I thought was my equal, a man who had pursued me for a year, convincing me that our love was special. The last time we were together was when I walked away from him at a London bus stop on a dreary winter’s day. As I walked away I told myself that if I turn around and look at him I will be cast to stone. I need to keep moving forward. That day I discovered the art of stoicism and stuck with it for decades to come.
Give love but only enough that ensures you do not get hurt.
Guard your feelings.
Emotions are weak.
I used this art well in my corporate career. Oh how that environment loves the ultra-independent woman. (I will save that discussion for another blog post.)
One marriage and a few love affairs later, I found myself in love. Deeply and desperately in love. This time with a codependent who I assumed could not hurt me. He was too weak and lost to do any real damage. I did not believe this anymore when I found myself on the bathroom floor struggling to breathe, the day he left me.
We all have these stories, these moments that have shaped our beliefs and made the walls to our heart thicker, higher and indestructible.
So what do we do?
How do we feel safe enough to let the walls down?
It’s easy to say ‘just love’,
But I know how to love, I give my love freely and unconditionally every day. To my son, my female friends, my mom, the collective consciousness.
My problem is allowing someone to love me.
I make sure that I am never in the vulnerable situation which could result in a mutual exchange of love. Instead I busy myself with life, constantly busy with the exclusion of intimacy.
This has worked for many years.
In order to rectify I needed to understand what I truly think of men.
How do I view them?
Let’s say an alien arrives and asks me to explain the adult male human to them, with raw honesty.
I wrote a list, I was embarrassed and shocked at how I have chosen to view 50% of the world population.
Everything is vibrational, so what we believe and say, is what we create
The way I have chosen to view men, is the frequency I vibrate and therefore those are the type of men that keep showing up in my life. I am not vibrating in another frequency which allows me to notice anything else.
This is what I see.
So in order to recreate, let’s start by rebuilding a positive list of your view of men.
This is not a wish list, it needs to be a list that is believable in your mind. A list you can truly work with. With each attribute you need to affirm that there are men in your location who could fit this trait.
Then you need to find men who can confirm these attributes.
I started slowly by choosing famous people who held these attributes, it was a safe starting point as I was too afraid to choose people who were really in my life.
Now move this closer to home.
Find a male friend, nurture a strong friendship with a male who shares your new positive list of attributes.
The next part is trust.
It’s not that I don’t trust men, rather I don’t trust my own ability to choose a trustworthy man.
So it’s not the men that are untrustworthy but rather my own thought patterns and who I am attracting into my space.
This is easier to change than making an untrustworthy man any different.
Focus on the type of males you allow in. Learn to trust yourself by understanding why you have chosen to attract these type of men. This requires a deep level of healing in order to make this change
My Ultra Independence has been both a blessing and a curse, it has helped me in times I needed to push forward on my own and it has equally stifled my willingness to allow others in.
There is no cure, just awareness and healing as we work on tools to find a healthy balance.
You can book a one on one session with me at email@example.com