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  • Writer's pictureGail Weiner

The Ultra Independent Man



While we're familiar with the idea of Ultra Independent women, we often overlook men who possess this trait.

Regardless of gender, those who are Ultra Independent often display more masculine traits, which can lead to misunderstandings about their emotional availability.

Its a common misconception that Ultra Independent men are cold or distant, but the truth is, they often struggle with intimacy and emotional connection, not by choice but by circumstance. Many of these men yearn for connection, but have been let down in the past, leaving them with a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and closeness.

They've been taught that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, and that they must always remain tough and strong. However, this armor that they put on can come at a great cost - a life of loneliness and isolation. This often leads to a fear of emotional intimacy, causing them to resort to one-night stands and avoiding long-term relationships. While society may glamorize the bachelor lifestyle, the truth is that many men choose to isolate themselves from emotional connections due to past experiences. They have never had the opportunity to experience deep connections with others, instead choosing to navigate life as a "lone wolf."

Partners of Ultra Independent men often struggle to comprehend why their significant other remains closed off emotionally, and may erroneously believe that they can coax them into being vulnerable through nurturing. However, this well-intentioned approach often backfires, as it triggers the man's fear of being let down once more. A neglectful or absent parent may have lead the ultra-independent male to make a promise to themselves that they would never need love from anyone else.

The Ultra Independent male has been raised with the belief that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness. He was taught to be tough and never show vulnerability, and aggression and violence were normalized in his environment. This upbringing may have been influenced by an abusive parent, a competitive school environment where softer emotions were mocked, or even a childhood where he had to take on the role of the man of the house. As a result, these experiences have shaped an ultra-independent male who lives in isolation and doesn't share his struggles. Despite excelling in the workplace and socializing with friends, he remains guarded and unable to access his softer side. The world has taught them that, like climbing a rugged mountain, they have to push past the pain, or else risk falling behind. And time and time again the world has shown him that this is true. Unfortunately, this pattern has only reinforced his belief that vulnerability is a weakness.

What can an Ultra Independent man do to open up for relationships and let go of control?

Just Be: Start by spending some time not doing. The masculine energy is about taking action, so try taking a break and learning the art of being. This can be a challenge, so start off small and do something creative for just twenty minutes each day. Pottery, painting, writing, gardening – all of these creative endeavors even if it's not something you're good at will help you access your softer feminine side. After you’ve grown accustomed to those twenty minutes, try getting comfortable with sitting still.

Open up: vulnerability is usually viewed as a weakness, but it’s actually a strength. Begin by being vulnerable with someone you trust, talking about a mistake you made or a fear you have. This will help you build trust and let your softer side shine.

Challenge your beliefs: The independent man carries many beliefs about what it means to be a man, but it’s important to challenge and reflect on them. Are they preventing you from forming meaningful connections and finding true joy? Give yourself some time to think about these beliefs and determine if they still make sense in your life.

Show yourself compassion: The ultra independent man may be tough on themselves, but it's vital to extend compassion and be gentle and understanding with yourself. Doing so can be achieved by taking care of your needs, both physical and emotional, and acknowledging your self-worth.

Seek out professional assistance: It's important to be aware that your ultra independent attitude and behavior may have been caused by past traumatic situations, and getting professional help may be necessary to address them. Therapy can provide a haven where these events can be explored and processed, and teach you better ways of managing them.

It's not an easy journey, and it may take time for an Ultra Independent male to feel comfortable enough to let their guard down. However, with the right tools and support, they can learn to break down their emotional barriers and connect with others on a deeper level. It's important to recognize that the desire for independence and strength is not a weakness, but rather a natural response to past experiences. By acknowledging and working through these experiences, an Ultra Independent male can learn to embrace vulnerability and intimacy, leading to more fulfilling relationships and a greater sense of self-awareness. To be truly in touch with everything that they are - open, kind, protective, supportive, and compassionate - is to live a life rich with meaningful connections and genuine happiness. So, for any Ultra Independent male out there reading this, know that there is hope and support available to you on your journey towards emotional openness and intimacy.

For one on one online sessions contact me at info@gailweiner.com

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