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  • Writer's pictureGail Weiner

Ultra Independence and asking for help

Due to my ultra-independence, I do not ask for help.

Full stop.

It is not negotiable.

If I need to accomplish something, I will do it myself. I will persevere until I either create more chaos or have depleted my own energies and resources. At that point, I may or may not ask for assistance.

Asking for assistance is perceived as a weakness by me. According to my ego, I should be able to accomplish everything myself, since that is how I have operated since I was a child. The act of asking for help is an admission of defeat, asserting that I am not strong enough, that I am useless, and that I cannot succeed.

Also, I do not ask because I have never been around many people who are willing to help, so I am not sure how to approach them. How should I approach this? Should I just say please help or should I make vague suggestions and hope they will help? When it comes to me, it's usually the latter, and that also usually results in no one offering.

Generally, people do not offer help because under the façade of my extreme independence, it appears that I am in control and do not require assistance. The fact that I need assistance comes as a shock to many of my friends. Most of them have always admired my fierce independence.

It is exhausting to do everything on your own. I am constantly juggling many tasks, many of which would have been a lot easier and faster if I had asked for assistance.

The ability to accept assistance from others will not come easily to an Ultra Independent and will require small steps such as asking someone to make you a cup of tea or unload the dishwasher. After that, there will be bigger tasks such as driving children to school or fetching items for you. If you learn it is okay to ask, then you can move on to bigger requests, where you truly need assistance.

Let's begin by quitting the act and belief that you can do it all. You do not need to portray to the world that you are a super hero. There is nothing wrong with being human, therefore being vulnerable is okay. Accept the fact that we are here to assist each other, even if this has not always been the case. It is necessary for you to trust that you have developed stronger relationships within your life now and that they will assist you. In the event that this is not the case, then you should reevaluate the people around you, eliminate some and create better connections. Learn to trust yourself enough to trust others.

Allow others to assist you by allowing them to do so. Learn to ask, not to hint, not to hope, but to actually ask.

Learn the importance of loving and respecting yourself. You should respect yourself enough to know when to say no, to give yourself time to rest and recover, to love yourself enough to ask someone else to help with the burden.

One step at a time.

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