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The Ultra-Independent and the co-dependent lover

Updated: Sep 26, 2020



Ultra Independents can tend to form close relationships with people who are dependent on them.


They love the codependent.


A codependent will rely on the Ultra independent for all of their emotional and self-esteem needs and in most cases they will also rely on the Ultra for their financial needs. The Ultra does not mind this, this ensures that their control is never given away, they hold the strings and most of them will laugh and say “I am in control, I tell him/her what to do and they do it.”


The relationship will usually start with the Ultra taking the lead, paying for the meal on the first date with the attitude, don’t worry honey, I have a steady income, you don’t, let me pay for this, you have other things to worry about.


Ultras have plenty to worry about but they tend to feel sorry for others and not themselves, they don’t see their burdens as bad as others and it’s a wonderful escape for them to focus on others issues. Aah the love affair with the codependent just works for the Ultra.


In most cases an Ultra feels uncomfortable dating someone who has healthy independence, they don’t know what to do with this type of relationship. They feel they are not in control and this means they can get hurt. This scares them so much that they will be out the door before the first date is complete.


Ultras want to keep their control, they want to know the next outcome and they want to be responsible for decisions because they remember times when others made decisions and it was a mess. Dad made decisions at home and the mortgage did not get paid, ex-partner made decisions and landed up cheating and leaving, on and on, others decisions mess things or will let you down.


I will make all the decisions for everyone.


The codependent will sit and take this and love it.


But what is happening in the background is the Ultras energy is being depleted, more pressure is added to the Ultras already over pressurized life, more mouths to feed, more emotions to tend and they cannot let their guard down, they cannot stop, they have to hold everyone up because they are so strong.


Always strong.


The codependent becomes weaker.


The Ultra applies more force to try make the codependent happy.


The codependent gives more of their emotional and material burdens onto the Ultra.


The ultra tells themselves that their taste in lovers is always bad and this is why they cannot let other people into their lives.


The codependent has nowhere to go.


The Ultra has to end the relationship.


The codependent becomes the victim.


And the cycle continues…


For more on this subject and to book a session contact info@gailweiner.com




#codependency#ultraindependence#mentalwellbeing#relationships#cbttherapy#patterns#mentalwellness#lifecoachingtips#lifecoaching

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